Warning signs
No single sign means something is wrong, and there may be signs beyond these. What matters is change from how your friend usually is.
- Neglect of appearance, or intense new concern with appearance
- Sudden mood changes
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Physical symptoms
- Tiredness
- Low energy
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Personality changes
- Grumpy, irritable, or short with people
- Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed
- Changes in sleeping patterns
- Withdrawing from social events
- Reduced ability to concentrate
- Engagement in reckless behavior
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Excessive worrying or fear
- May present as over-apologizing, asking for reassurance, or asking if you are mad at them
How to approach your friend
Listen
Ask them how they are feeling, and let them talk more than you do.
Ask them what they need from you
- Validation — telling them that their feelings are okay
- Problem solving — helping them navigate difficulties by coming up with solutions together
Validate their feelings
- Tell them you hear them
- Tell them what they are feeling is okay to feel
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Understand the difference between valid and justified
- Valid — you feel what you feel, and that's okay
- Justified — the level of emotion is reasonable considering the situation
Validation first
In what we call “emotion mind,” people often just need to hear validation so they can calm down. If someone is upset and you question how justified their emotions are, they may get more upset. Ask them what they need.
Show empathy and practice engaged body language
- Turn towards them
- Put down any distractions and put your attention on them
Help them find support
- Help them brainstorm how to reach out, and who to reach out to
- Offer to help them review therapists if needed
Do your research
- Read about symptoms, causes, and treatments to foster the conversations
Take care of yourself
- Allow yourself to recharge and process your feelings
- Maintain your boundaries and take time for yourself when you need it
Extend invitations
- Show them you care by inviting them to spend time with you
If they don't respond the way you had hoped
If they push you away
- Sometimes pushing others away is a sign that they want someone to really push them to talk about their feelings
- Show initiative and perseverance
If they say that they are fine
- People often become accustomed to saying “fine” because they don't want to be seen as a burden to the people they care about
If they say they won't trust you if you tell anyone
- It's essential to speak up and advocate if your friend will not take action for themselves
- It's better to know your friend is safe than to worry about them in danger
If it feels like an emergency, treat it like one
If your friend talks about wanting to die or hurting themselves, don't keep it a secret. Call or text 988 together, or see all crisis resources.
Why it matters
Taking the initiative and going the extra mile to help a friend struggling with depression or another mental illness will help them through their journey. They will recognize that someone cares and wants them to get better, even when they feel as though it's impossible.
What you can say
- “I care”
- “That sounds difficult”
- “I'm here for you”
- “Is there anything I can do to help?”
- “Do you need someone to talk to?”
- “Your life makes a difference to me”
- “It's okay to feel this way”
- “You aren't weak”
- “You might not see it now, but I promise there's hope”
- “You can do this. I'll be right by your side”
Sources
- National Alliance on Mental Illness — Warning Signs and Symptoms
- Healthline — How to Help a Depressed Friend
- Verywell Mind — What to Say When Someone Is Depressed
- Norman E. Rosenthal, MD — Seven Signs of Depression